In Which I don't want to say All Is Lost. It is not.

Good morning, my friend, dear reader of this post! How are you? How have you been? I do pray and hope you have been okay. As for me, it has been one journey with turbulence. I have some good moments, which is edifying, and plenty of bad ones. I am tired of the bad moments. The bad moments, the bad news. The trend downwards they incentivize one looking. I have always detested the thought of "it is all lost". Not really useful. If I am still alive, why does it matter? Too much noise. I was always turned away by noise. My brother bothers me with the noise he does, I think he is inconsiderate. So it goes, noise is really a pain. Not sure what would bring someone towards that, not the direction I go towards.

Eepy cats are cute and sweet.

As such, because I have been so tired, more tired than I ever been in a while, I will mention some issues but I hope I can avoid the worst of it. It is just the job situation, mom is inconsistent, but is pressing for me to get work. While it is valid, it is also not an easy endeavor. Because of the financial stress of the household, I am afraid she is on a mood of "I don't care if it's hard, just help me with the chores, now". Those signs of exhaustion also on her end are not good, and it increase the sensation life has become, once more, a nightmare. That does not end. Ever. It is a nightmare because I cannot get work, so it seems. Good works require connections, I have none, and perhaps even lack the means to make some. I know mom, and grandma, that is not much of help. It has been proven as such. Yes, it is the extent of people I know that may be of reliable help on this regard. Otherwise I feel like a true hermit, and not of my own choice. People I like are very far away, not of anyone's precise choice, just is what it is. 

Jobs require connection, they require experience that I also do not possess. Neither so I have at the moment means to get much of it. I have not much on my end to help me get work. Besides luck, which has been hollow, it seems God himself does have other plans for me. And those plans are not the ones of my mother. I don't know, I am in the dark here, can only hope to make as little noise as I can, so maybe I won't bother my God, and mom will forget about me and leave me to my lamentations. Besides luck, I have the willingness to show up if the job interests me even vaguely. If a job application is "here is a job, here is what is required, here is if you can do it, clearly, yes or no. If yes, you are welcome in", I would be most happy. Does that ever existed? Was it ever so hard, or ao muddy, to get work, so I wonder? Must one have to look besides fog as thick as bureocracy to find a path forward? That if I don't go towards the public sector, would be a loss for me should I decide otherwise,  because I value the private sector more, but well. That choice would not mean "hired", that would mean a humiliation ritual, having to face traumas and try to study math by myself in the dark while my mother weights on me. With all of those bad outcomes, how can someone resist the temptation to, as the expression goes, to be "blackpilled", "all is lost".? 

And mom also does not want me eating parmesan, she said I have plenty of food at home yet I make trouble because I prefer not to cook. Why instead she does not help me by using any resource in her hand towards that and get me something easier to eat? Something that would not require me to have to wash as many dishes, or to not have the pressure to do so? When I do, she smiles but quickly forget. When I do not, it lingers, stays with her until she snaps and calls us - me and my brother - ungrateful and disrespectful. I know I said I was not going to get into specifics, but see what the concerns of my regular routine are? It will always be a trade off at the end of the journey. Yes. But the offs are becoming quite bitter, are they not. I am tired. 

Anyway, I apologize for this tirade of complaints, I did try to be fair to all parties involved. Yet it never feels like the bad side of my mind will be satisfied, and no matter what I write or do, that bad side invents ways in which people would think bad of me. And ways in which I would think bad of myself. I am tired. I apologize, and on that note, I do want to publish something so this is the post, if I stop writing and go to sleep I will likely scrap another post. So I am doing it. Thank you my dear friend for sticking wirh me. I will be back soon with hopefully happier words, we will see. Wish you the best, and I pray for your well being!! Farewell just for now.