Good morning, dear reader of this post, my good friend, and as I open to you the doors of the divagation store and society, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know, as the song goes, it has been said in many times and in many ways, still I say this, for my sake as well, for I don't want to spend a Christmas without wishing dear friends a merry Christmas. I woke up tired, and I had an agitated dream. And though yesterday was a good day, I also had some headaches, as in anxiety and blaming myself for woes that I am not sure if are of my making, in the first place. There is a huge chance they are not. Still I worry and lose my peace of mind over it. How was your eve? My own was, thank God, tepid and uneventful. I know dad drank more than he should, as always, and made a terrible scene. My aunt was there, and by God is she inconvenient. I love the season, the decorations and gifts, and I enjoy spending time with some family, by that I mean Mom and Grandma, and not with them in the same place. Of course, we cannot choose your family, so we have the annoying aunt and the embarassing dad. I still love Christmas, and I hope to always do, lest I forget the birth of Jesus, good memories, and the beautiful adornments to this quiet and mild occasion. The gifts are also welcome, as I am as a child, that does not have funds for myself, having dates as those are a good way to get what I want, an alibi to asking without feeling TOO guilty about it. Ah... God knows I always feel heavy burdened and guilty. I want to flood dear friends with messages at every second of the day, and knowing this is bad, I try to keep it for myself. A message a day escapes, and I feel terrible, for I know I am capable of overwhelming everyone. As Marie Antoinette said once: My sin is to bring misfortune. It is not true, just how my twisted brain perceive things. It is tiresome, it is unfair towards me. Still I do. I don't want to, but I do. Everyone was busy yesterday, doing their own things, and I could not be busy as well. I was always extremely alert, waiting for a message, for a token of appreciation, from dear ones. How painful it is to write this on Christmas day. I wanted to write something, just not a lament, of all things, but it is how I feel at the moment. I always want to have amusing conversations with dear friends. I wish I was important to someone besides my mom and grandma.
I think I shall post this as it is, even if I am sad and guilty and troubled. I will include a picture, and make this an official post. But as the day progresses, I want to reserve myself the possibility of writing something else, later, if I am recovered from the melancholy thoughts. Anxiety feels like it will never be gone, but it will, specially because it is such an exhausting state of mind, one cannot stay in this for a long time without fainting, and fainted I have. Ah... anyway... I hope you got some wonderful gifts, dear friend, reader of this post. I hope you have nice friends to be with, and good family as well. I cannot promise to return today later, but you never know... wish you the best, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here. If I don't return today, you will see me again most likely just a few days from now, as I will write the wrap ups for December and 2023. See you either today, or then, God bless you.
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