Good morning, dear friend, reader of this post! Happy new Monday, and this week is extra special, as it is the absolute height of the Christmas season 2024! We will have the big 24th, christmas eve, and the 25th, Christmas day itself! In spite of my daily laments, I am filled with contentment, to have reached the climax of the whole year, truly. I still am seeing where I will spend my eve and my christmas day. I am seeing if I can in fact visit grandma. If that is not possible, I will be sad, but anyway. I do not look that forward for spending the day and the eve next to my brother, giving our relationship has been in free fall the past weeks or so. This year widened the already large gap between us. I am aware that the season is for forgiveness and reconciliation, but that is on my end, for those that subscribe to the christian view. He, ever cynical and malicious, I doubt he sees it that way. I think he is one of those that do not care. He already is unwilling to treat me correctly. He is very rude and mean towards me, speaking with me with contemptment, barking commands and being always ill humored. Not something new, but it has been growing much more worse the past months. I have grown very resentful of this unaceptable behavior, don't want anything with it, or with him, moving as distant as I can. So it is family dynamics...
So, I hope I can spend my time with grandma, and away from my brother. I also am anxious about being around my grandparents of the mother side, or the family as a whole, as they are very much socialists, and I am of the opinion that whatever hatred I have towards socialists, it is never enough. It grows harder to just ignore the words, their cynicism, malice. I should say it was always very difficult, but in the past months or so, even further... I am aware, this is not very christmas-y of me, to desire to be away from family, instead of being around them. But, it's my life. I can't just pretend I have a good family situation, and being in absolute minority, and lacking the guts to confront them, I must tread carefully, even if it is extremely mentally draining, to the point of leaving me exhausted and tearful. I wish I could talk to some friend, wish I could spend the day with a friend... but my friends are online friends these days. I lack friends that are nearby. I am sad, and expect only a miracle to make my day of Christmas enjoyable. I love this time of the year regardless, but... I just wish it could actually be joyful for me as well. Whatever I should choose on doing, it will be not devoid of stress.
It is only fitting that a harsh year is to likely have a harsh season as well. I dream of better days. It will likely be the same in the New Years. I do apologize for lamenting so much this time, instead of being in a more celebratory tone. I do have plenty to celebrate, but just the family situation is a dark cloud I can't ignore so easily. Ah... what else is there to be said, today?
I pray and hope I can return tomorrow and on the 25th, even, for more posts, and hopefully some more cheerful ones. But for now, I just start the week with a bad omen. I desire a better situation for all of you, in fact, the best. Thank you for being here. I wish you once again a happy Christmas, and the best, best and best.
Comments
Post a Comment