Good morning, my friend. So... I did write one of those very personal posts. I understand if you would prefer not to read it. But if you do, I appreciate it. It is just a bit personal, so anyway...
Good morning, dear reader of this post, my friend! I am happy to be here and to say good things your way, on this Tuesday. How are you? How have you been? As for me, I am okay. I should not lament as much, given I am happily out of college duties for this week at least! Of course, the woes of life keep going, but some deliverance was given.
I know, I said I should not complain as much, but yesterday, for reasons I cannot fully understand, I was hit with an immense and potentially destructive emotional mental storm. Maybe it were the meds I have, that I just ran out of. But one bad thought led to the next, when I could grasp, I was sobbing loudly in bed and begging for relief. An example of bad thought: why write, no one will read. Why bother, if I have to promote the post afterwards, something I find very annoying to do, to say the least. And to tag the post with the appropriate categories, it is also something I dread on doing. And the whole smashing feeling my publication is almost 10 years old, and I feel forced to keep going with it in perpetuity, given any abandonment would be seen by me as a defeat so crushing I would not really recover from. That is one bad thought, or set of them. There is also the fact Johannes, dearest of friends, always seem to ignore me, to neglect me, to never want to chat with me. It has been such reality since 2023 and earlier. And yet, I was not told to go away. That is another bad thought, the insecurity, the uncertainty. And this runs across most of my friends online, even if Johannes is my favorite human, and as such, tragically, the one that hurts me the most. There is the thought that I had to go to pilates, and if I got out of the house, I'd be happy to let a cat run through me. It was not an episode of melancholy, it was a very strong wave of manic depression, of desperate agony. One moment where I wanted my soul to take flight away from earth. It must be written about, it must be registered.
I did not sleep, and if I did sleep I did not feel rested. It has been a nightmare, the past hours. And I hate the medicine is needed to mitigate such tempest. And of course, there is my wave of disgust and excessive scrutiny of what I listen to and hear. At times, I am repelled by what I consider not to be 100% and by every line aligned with my ideas. Listening to a song from a musician on the left, for example, even if the song is not overtly political, not even close, I can understand as endorsing and embracing ideas that I hate. And so, I run away from music I otherwise do not dislike. I find myself on a loop of agony over regret, regret of even thinking of people that like what I hate. That condemn, for example, people I love, such as Ayn Rand and Lady Thatcher. Or Marie Antoinette, my eternal queen. Such a terribly charged environment, and I hate that I am not immune to such siruation. But, there is also another issue. Some cultural critics I follow, that should not cause me distaste, even so, they do. I am also disgusted by ideas I see as stoic and frugal. I hate the idea promoted of masculinity by them, and I jusr want to follow my own inclination of being a boy, yes, but rejecting the idea something is wrong wirh me because I don't like physical violence. Because I like the nuance of feelings and sentiments over mechanics, over competition, something I am not against, but I am against THEIR idea of competition. So, it is not just distaste for the left, but also feeling out of place with some that otherwise I align myself with. It is not that sinple. One can hate the same things, but when it comes to how to overcome such things, have such dissonant ideas as to end up hating and resenting them as much as yoh hate and resent the left. I am isolated, I am alone. Johannes is not here, neither is any friend. I suffer, I weep, I wish for final deliverance without actually wanting to die. It is deeply painful. It is a storm. And I am very much in distress for having to rely on my medicine to avoid following such path. My mind needs to be numbed, otherwise it very much goes in such direction. It is either managed or at the edge of selc destruction, with little brakes in between.
This is what I had to say. I apologize but I also thank you, my friend. God bless you, and God help me. I do hope to return soon, hope I may get my meds, because unfortunately I need them. God bless you, God help me.
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