I upgraded my computer this Monday, I believe I mentioned before here, for Christmas I just wanted more RAM. My laptop came from the assembly line with only 8gb, BUT with a slot for more. Anyway, so I did the procedure, I'm very glad to have a more powerful machine now! I am really enjoying this new device, the only thing causing some headache was the limited RAM, but the issue is solved now. With that, the doors of streaming opened up again for me. I could stream with only 8gb, but it wouldn't be the most pleasant experience for me. Now I have 25gb available, which is plenty. This Tuesday, I thought I could do it, but lost enthusiasm on the subject pretty fast. This Wednesday, I thought, again, that I could do it, that it could be fun, but then I started second guessing myself and just being like "do I really want to do it?" and then "Yes, I do, it can be fun" but again "do you REALLY wanna do it?" on a loop. I started to think of everything that could go wrong: being hungry or thirsty, getting yelled at IRL while streaming, being called at for streaming. I remember of a very bad situation that happened when I was younger, I was using the computer, as I always have used, and the husband of one of my aunts, who was a pain in the butt, in the sense of being rude, treating more vulnerable people badly (I was a child and he loved to torment me), anyway, he thought I was like seeing porn or something of the sort, which I'd never do, not today, let alone 10 years ago. Well, he yelled at me, telling all the stuff a children would pee their pants in hearing "I'm gonna tell your mother, you will be grounded, you are in so much trouble, mister!". I cried so much because I was doing nothing wrong, and he was accusing me of doing that. It would not be the last time he would be very hurtful towards me. My aunt lives close to grandma, today and 10 years ago or so. Back then, we had to share the phone company modem for internet (which was super crappy, but that's another story). I couldn't find the modem on the house of grandma that day, so I thought "must be with aunt" I went to her house to ask for it. When the guy saw me in "his" home without asking permission (even if grandma owned the lot, even if they were literally living in the neighboring home, like what the frick, man), well, he snapped, saying I tresspassed, that he was gonna call the cops on me, that I'd be in jail when things were over. Threating a child with tendency to be anxious is evil, I didn't know any better, so I just, again, cried away, my brother, when arrived at my grandparents, found me in shambles, and that incident caused a huge rupture in the family for many months.
So, yesterday I thought about all that when thinking about streaming, even if the guy isn't in my life anymore, even if everyone in the family treats me as well as they can treat me, everyone is really kind towards me, anyway, but I was kind on that rabbit hole of anxiety. I went to chat with my friend and went to the server of my father figure best friend and said guys I need help, and when he asked me what was it I told him about it, and well, it made things way worse because he was super rude towards me, saying I have issues and need therapy and calling me out for talking about this on his server. It was a mess, he made me cry because he hurt me on the sense that I thought I was safe around these people, I thought I could just chat and be whatever I was at the moment with them. Well, what a way to find I could not trust him. Also, I went to another friend and told him I was upset at him for blocking me, but he did not block me, he just had deactivated DMs in Discord, and he got very upset for accusing him of blocking me, and even more upset when I told him I disapproved of his action, and even more mad when I assumed it was because I told him about feelings and so on. What a mess of a day, it was pretty dumb of me to do that and I apologized and I still do apologize to my friend, We've been through a lot, he did not deserve such paranoia from me, I don't care about me, he was right, I was wrong, paranoia is evil, it's our brain overprotecting ourselves and so on, brains do a crappy job in managing feels and what is in the mind.
So yea, it started as a very painful doubt concerning streaming and devolved towards the worst day I had in a while. It sucks to face this in Christmas season, but well, we can't choose very well the time we'll snap.
Today, I do want to do a stream, even if I end up not doing it, and I'll do it business as usual, like, it won't be something planned, it won't be scheduled, and so on, it will be just me hanging out sharing some games with anyone who stops by.
This is just me venting. Thank you dear reader for reading this, you are a true friend. Wish you the best, and may your christmas season be amazing, and may it already be amazing, and if it's not, I'm praying for your well being and I'm here for you, cheers and much love.
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